Im Defying Gravity

11:41pm: Time stands still for some unknown reason...
As an era ends so does it's things...and while i want to say that ill be a good poster and update often the reality, is that i am just not sure anymore of who even reads this journal any more... so wow what can i say that is of any relevance,at this point i am 24 between nyc/san fran for the last time in my young life..

i am loved enough but not fully...

still wondering when the fully shall arrive...as its been almost four years in the making...

currently in frisco till october 28th when i return back to my "normal" life i should say...

i am over worked as a cashier in the fine West Field mall in downtown sf

i am under paid...

under friend-ed although i have enough

and i really just have very few words at this moment....and need to do a complete overhaul to reflect my current state....so if your an avid poster and wish to stay on my list or not please comment...or ill just delete you and anyone else who doesn't respond after a few days....

just so i know who to keep as lj friends anymore...

that way...i can feel the comfort of once again trying to be diligent in posting more often and not feeling like the world does not care nor that the people who have added me as quote un-quote friends even read...

so thanks a bunch...

and if u are interested in how i am what i am up too or any other mindless ramblibgs please comment and let me know you are alive thanx~~~~


"You's a hoe...you's a hoe sidline ho"-Monica- "Sideline Ho

11:11pm: The Night Dawns...
I was a little too rash this morning although i didnt want to be up at 10 for a training i actually had a goood time. For those that have new clue let be the first to let you know....JAMBA JUICE IS STARTING AN ENERGY LINE FULL OF CAFFENAITED DELIGHTS MADE WITH *drum-roll* PREMIEUM MACTHA GREEN TEA...IN THE FORM OF SHOTS AS IN BAR SHOTS AND SMOOTHIE THE GREEN TEA MATCHA BLATS!! So fuck starbucks come'on down to jamba and get energized!!! ya...so it was fun we tried all the products and learned everything then had pizza which was cool...so all in all it was fun.

Still wish i was home with Edwin doing naughty things...someone gave me really good advice and ima take it...will elebroarte later..

"This Shit is Bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S"

Brad

9:02am: 9:00 A.M. Im Fucking Awake!!!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...stupid Jamba Juice Training, whoever said this had to happen at 10 am on a Sunday needs to have his dick cut off and thrown in a blender with 12ounces of apple juice 2 scoops of Vanilla Frozen Yogurt 2 scoops of strawberries 1 scoop of banannas 1 scoop ice and blended for 30 seconds on high!!!

I Give You Strawberries A La Cock!!!


Brad

8:39pm: CCSF Production of Little Shop!!
So last night i decide to be supportive to some of my former cast mates from Joesph mainly Tina and Ted, and i went to the current production of Little Shop... it was ehh all right most of the cast sucked but Tina who was playing Crystal,Seymour,Audry and the sexy fucker who was playing the dentist were fucking awsome!!!The sets where cheesy, Deb cannot come up with dance moves for shit(Stick to Directing) but i had a good time...and it enlightend me to possibly try to go out for "On The Razzle" Which means id be here eight more days than exepcted.I saw Alex last night to and he is as sexy as ever and playing Pepe...in West Side Story.....well i gotta go... work beckons


Brad

2:55pm: One...
"But i meant all those things i told you...my feelings are real for you and i just know i wouldnt lie...There's something about you Edwin I can't place my finger on the why...but id like to to try...i dont know just what it is im doing here where nothings clear"
Bare-"One"(with a slight name change from jason to edwin)

Everyday it gets harder and harder to breathe being away from edwin hurts like a knife in my soul...do i really love this 39 year old hiv+ man...can i withstand all the trials....i guess..no..i know the answer is yes...i keep him in my soul and his smile lights my lonley night when all the lights are gone and it's just me...i carry him...


"I love you...how do you know?....I carry your spirit with me...i pray for you more than i pray for myself...and if im away from you more than an hr i can't stop thinking about you."-
Diary of a Mad Black Woman

This is how i know all of it is soo true....i talked to him today...and i wanted to cry...we have problems i know thew age thing...ughh but i really need him to see how much i love him....and love should be enough...i sound hypocrital right now...cause love wasnt enough with Louis or Raul... but im not afraid in anymore...i have found my one the only one i want in my life till death do us part, he is in my heart.

"You and I You take my hand leaving me Breathless feel the beat of my racing heart so you'll understand and know why we whisper in hallways ill be with you always running together forever you and I"
Bare-"You and I"


Brad

9:21pm: All Grown Up..
"I think my mother took this picture back when we were all just friends"
Bare-"All Grown Up"


I am having these moments now where i am so scared of where i will be in a few years.

"Comes a Dream then ends another funny how time goes by will someone out there call my mother look at me mom all grown up"

It's Time to face the facts and act like an adult...edwin was right im not 15 and i need to remember that...reading and rereading leons post made me put it deep in my mind and its hard to breathe i need someone right now a real friend so i can finally cry the tears i should have cried everyday...for 7 years.....

"911 emergency time to be a grown-up we gone done and made the call go ahead and own up"
Bare-"911 Emergency"

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:37pm: Making Sense of utter confusion
Back....After a brief Stint in which i did nothing but work cry and miss home all 2 often, i am trying to make sense of losing my best friend,and a close family member and missing my wonderful "Boyfriend?" i guess thars what i call him lol! Although we really havent made it offical, its kinda funny since Raul and I broke up i sorta shut off from everyone now for the first time since 02-03 i find myself in LOVE deep heartfelt scary LOVE and i guess im afraid that this one will end....i don't know its strange i know he loves me and i love him...and i know he is sick but what is he afraid of....im ready to ride or die to the fullest for him why can't he see? Why is he afraid??? He loves me so much...if he could only let go and say yea im sick he's not im 39 he's 22 but he's not gonna leave.its so simple to me. i dont understand.the way he looks at me says it all...and i see a future with him...but sometimes just sometimes i need to hear it


Brad

10:18pm: dealings with death
HEY....Guys sorry i havent been around lately some people died on me and im takin it hard..... otherwise missin home alot and edwin .....love ehhh....

well... i will post more after this shit is through....


Brad

4:25pm: Concerning me...
well all is ok i guess...talk to edwin today...cuz he emailed me...and all the butterflies i have been having just rushed back,,,,grrrrrrr...its really frustrating to hear his voice cause i just wanna be near him.

ok enough with that...


The job is good and going steadily except that they MADE me try wheatgrass yesterday...so gross...in the imortal words of Mink Stole

"Don't Kiss Me I'll Gag"-PEGGY GRAVEL

or in this case dont make me drink the fucking thing...damn my weak stomach...well i love JAMBA JUICE anyway,s especially the chocolate moo'd. sooo good sooo chocolatly...in other news the punk band ARMOR FOR SLEEP is the shit i wuv it

EHH otherwise getting my ipod today yay yay....and work at 10 am god....help me


1 more thing Sarah Connor is the best pop artist ever

9:27pm: My First Day/Missing Home
So Today Went really well i had a massive good time...on the job! My Boss is really cool and the co-workers are great. I can't help but miss Edwin dearly. I called him today and had an ok chat but it's not helping me miss everyone less. I only hope it gets easier, and that these few months can go by quick so i can get back to the people that are my family....

8:38am: GOOD MORNING!!!!
MORNING TO EVERYONE !!!! I AM EMPLOYED YES!!!!!!!!!! :)


BRAD

10:57pm: Got the job
yes i am a jamba juice employee yes thanks to my "daddy" he just so sexy


Brad

12:12pm: GOODBYE.....SHIT PALACE!!!
I am so gone yes yes yes...in thirty minutes this bed bug infested place will be with out me and for that i am grateful...i will only miss a handful of people here.. george,rose,renee,marie,dimitrius, and the hot fucker who slept right across from me...other than that........... ehh they can all rot as far as i am concerned...


"Don't Touch me! My skin Crawls When you Touch it! The touch of scum!! "- Peggy Gravel "Desprate Living"


Brad

7:15am: Depressing/ The Move Out
ok...its v-day '05 and the guy i love is 3,000 miles away..great...happy fucking v-day to me..blllllllllahh!!

THATS DONE..

NOW in a few short hrs i will be out yay yay and double yay!!! Ark House ahoy..


Brad

11:57am: YES BICTHES THATS RIGHT I FUCKED ANGEL!!!

Who from ANGEL would do you? by applecrapgranny
LJ Username
Would do you
You like it this much: 66%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

11:31am: The Search for a Fucking Dollar!!!/How Things are going/Ohhh Ya Gots Ta Have Friends
I think it massivley sucks that i am supposed to move to ark house 2morrow and therefore i want clean clothes but....I CAN'T GET A FUCKING DOLLAR TO WASH AND DRY THEM MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHERRRRRRR!! Ok...i feel better...It's 11:33 and i am just waking up to my last day in this place and then 2morrow i am out like a light!!

Tuesday is the final interview for Jamba Juice and im crossing my fingers....so things are looking ok for me...

Im in this new fix of actually responding to friends journals and i hope they all do the same....and currently looking for new lj friends *smiles* yes i am an lj crack head again...whahooo..... i guess ill try to post more later if im not to busy till then


Peace


Brad

10:16am: You ate Your Rasins These Are Mine..../Everyone was acting really crazy
LOL i can't get that quote out of my head!!! My how i do love mel brook's flims hehehe! It's Between that and "Everyone was acting really crazy and you know what mum we were all in the car and evryone was acting really crazy...the monsters are crazy, there are monsters outside" from Annie Lennoxs song "No More I Love Yous". As you can guess im just waking up to a new day and in a ratherv silly mood.

I had a dream again that me and edwin were fucking again....like thats never happend lol...and it was the most intesnse passionate sex ever...until Louis walked in and started joining....OH MY GOD!!!! then it went from intense and passionate to mind-blowing orgasmic comsic sex....JESUS!!!


so there you have it im in a silly/horny mood and its 10:23 AM or 1:23 if i was in nyc...all i know is when i go back in 3 months edwin better be ready to fuck....cuz im fiending and its only been a week and 3 days how will i survive this TORTURE!!!

1:38pm: Click click of the keyboard
I think today has probably been one of the best days in awhile...i got a call from eric at Jamba Juice and i have my final interview Tuesday...i really hope all goes great for me...


In other news arent fridays that have clouds dangling over sooooooooooo boring....lol!! It's Cloudy and i feel like a bloated ballon.....sooo full.... well in a few hrs i will give the news to my godfather WHOOP WHOOP!!! and i will enjoy the rest of my day as much as i can.

Last night could have been alot better but this stupid blond punk bitch starting harrasing me at Lark-Inn i so wanted to smash her fucking face in which would have been funny because she already has a black eye from getting socked...ha ha...

I also ran into Mario last night as well as Monique and Amanda!!! I was soo happy two see my darling dykes and i am pleased to announce they are doing well....

Well i am running late and i have to run buut i should post more later...the click of theese keys is slowley getting annoying

6:36pm: ARK HOUSE AHOY!!!
So i got in yes yes yes...i am back at ark for the next couple of months then back to nyc YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! I also had the jamba juice interview and it went rather well i think..hopefully they will get back to me....


happy happy joy joy!!!!!!!


Brad

5:40pm: THE DAMNABLE JOB SEARCH!
YA know it is really aggravavting to find out when you have applied to a job and come to find out that if you had been 5 minutes ealier they would have hired you but they just hired someone else grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!! This is sooo not going well and its very frustrating.


Broders Books also sucks massive ass! They require you to fill out an online job application at there store and I get ohhh 20 minutes into filling it out when THE FUCKING COMPUTER CRASHES!!! MOTHER FUUCKKKER!!!

on an upbeat note however: Jamba Juice is having a fair at macys on thrusday...which also happens to be the same day i have my interveiw with Alex...please dear god let me get back into ARK HOUSE!!!


That is all....

Brad

5:11pm: Buzzzzzzzzzing Around Town
Today has been pretty damn productive i have manged to get my physical, write my resume,hunt for jobs online as well as hit the pavement to collect apps, make my way to Washington Mutal to figure out what do do about my old account....contact fincial Aid and finally I AM GOING TO THE MINT TONIGHT WWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOO!

All this is just one day folks it is a damn record....


Otherwise im ok.... just doing alot of thinking about things about Louis and Edwin how simalr yet how diffrent they are and i had a flash on just would things be diffrent if me and Louis never broke up...would we be who we are or diffrent would we never have grown in any way shape or form?

And Edwin if everything that has happend didnt would i love him like i do? would we be close as we are....


I wonder.....yes folks as of now i am just looking at my life and im grateful for where i am and hope that this sense of self can at least stay for awhile


I will find love...either in Louis, Edwin or somewhere else but i will find it and most importantly i will ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS AAAAALLLLWAYYYYS AAAAALLLLLLLLWWWWWWWYYYYYYSSSSSS KEEP EDWIN AND LOUIS BOTH close to my heart




Brad

2:46pm: If You Hate me...ohh Well
I would like to say.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK THE SUPER
BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

11:35am: SCRUBBING DAY!!!
Today has been alright of sorts...i got up, Started my low-fat diet(Plain Cherrios with low-fat milk and banannas on top YUM!) and i went to the YMCA to work out from nine thirty till 11. All in all not bad. Im Just sitting here browsing and doing my laundry which is somewhat of a bother...and dying for my computer to charge so i can play the Sims 2.

So last night after i posted everything was cool. I emailed Edwin and am awaiting a response...and i did the dishes for an extened curfew...let me tell you doing Dishes for 40 fucking people sucks!!! They are vile foul and disgusting, almost none of them scrap there plate and... and ...it took forever!

Postives of the day include: Lunch is in Twenty Minutes(Horray for Boiled eggs!) I'm a go see tony tonight at basketball and then hopefully go over to his house to watch some GOOD tv and burn my cds of the Kinsey Sicks featuring my friend Trampolina (AKA Chris Dilly).

Tomorrows Agenda seems to be mad full I have an appointment at the clinc at 9:30 and then i have to meet with Patrick from Hire Up to find me Part Time Work....then...i dunno i shall probably go and fix things at the SSI office...Then For Sure is ........................

GOING TO THE MINT TO SEE THE EVER FLAWLESS MISS DIVA DEE DEE I have missed my girl so much i cant wait to see her 2morrow


So its time to check on the clothes and I'll probably post more later



Brad

9:52pm: Isn't Everything Wonderful Now...
Fast Forward: 2005!!!

Within this new year i have yet again decided to delete all my old entries in attempt to keep up with the times. Having Celebrated my 22nd birthday i have learned new meanings of devotion and will spend a little time writing through-out each day in this my little corner of solitude my space.

So in an effort to update you all on the happinings of my life...i inform everyone that i am back in S.F. Temporarly while i save money for the next 3(count em 3) months and then its directly back to nyc and Edwin. Yes i miss everyone but mainly Edwin. Being here has done nothing but solidify the reasons i have total and complete detest for the west coast. Bums, and Drugs...and very few people can take a direct approach and often think me rude...ohhh fucking well...

Not that there isn't charm here which i am glad that in the 3 days i have been back i have been able to remember lunching with Tony, The Mint, Louis(in some sick demented way) yes for these reasons i guess its all-right at least a little but...i keep telling myself this is out of need Brad you are not that person.

Tuxedo............... is DEAD... and i am truely who i am no longer a raver a persona or a candy kid. i am a young man with as passion and fire then i have ever had...i pray that someone will see it has edwin has and that he will fully understand the links i will go to change...for change is the only certain thing...nothing no NOTHING STAYS THE SAME...as i have learned.

The Lesson: Folks for those of you who knew the old Tuxedo, please allow me to re-introduce myself i am Bradley David Sweet 22 this is who i am please get used to it...oh for those of you who are my friends please just respond so i know that yall still read thanks!!!



Brad